Happy New Year Friends!!
Hard to believe we are 14 days in already. It seems like a lifetime and a blink all at once.
Mister Witt and I have really started this off year with some intention. This is not something we have really done in years past but for whatever reason we are ready to own twenty-fourteen.
There are lots of things I could go on and on about regarding our sense of renewal. He wants to write, I want to design. We want to be physically fit and try our hand at going vegan, again. We want to lessen the alcohol and sharpen the mind. We want to garden our little hearts out and eat up all its bounty. I mean we could be here forever to list them all…
Today I thought it would be both exciting and cathartic for me to share in my biggest goal, the one I will tackle first, the hardest one for myself.
Anxiety & depression, lexapro and freedom.
I feel that stories like this are becoming increasingly important to share with one another. Maybe it is just me … my age and growing older. Maybe something bigger, a shift in consciousness perhaps. I am not so sure. What I do know is that when I read blogs where women share in their hard stuff, the yucky-not-so-perfect-i-am-really-down-today-suck-stuff I believe it gives us the opportunity to experience both empathy and unity. It lets us know that we are simply not alone.
So… we begin to open up.
When I first asked my psychiatrist why it is, that when I look into the mirror, that I do not see a depressed person. That I see someone who loves their life, loves to live. How could I see that in my reflection but not feel that way inside myself?
Because anxiety is your first, that is why. Depression is your second.
Oookaaaay. whatever. still super annoying and hard to understand.
And with that came this :: it is god damn hard to be a person.
Regardless of fortune, or misfortune, pain or lack of pain, stuff or lack of stuff, money or lack of money … that despite outside influence going either way, it just isn’t easy to manage the complexity that is us. On the contrary it is just plain difficult. For everyone and for all. different. reasons.
At the time of conversation with mind doctor mentioned above, my life held many beautiful things. Physical health number 1 (always a plus), an amazing and devoted husband, awesome kids, the list goes on. I had attained and was living out my dream adventure of moving to Vermont. And just living in a place with weather was in and of itself AWESOME. However, to my surprise, and despite all of these significant wondrous things …
I . was. sad. and anxious.
And for some reasons that I know and some reasons that I probably don’t know, I thought that all of this would be suddenly taken away from me, in cruel and terrible ways. I was just mentally not well that way. The upset was :: to have attained just about all that you had hoped for up unto this point, and see that despite your efforts, this isn’t even it. That your mind can turn on you and keep you from how you really want to feel is nothing short of insanity. And this my friends, is why I have concluded the human endeavor to be, in plain terms, god damn hard.
So I agreed to take an anti anxiety medication. It helped me immediately detach from my irrational negative thoughts and go on with myself as I had been doing so previously. I was glad. I was relieved. I was not so excited to need medication but happy to be out of my own head for a minute. It was needed.
Fast forward 1.5 years ::
I have become increasingly concerned about the continuation of taking pharmaceuticals. That corporate conglomerate scares me like no other. And I feel that now is the time to reclaim my mind, my thoughts, my sanity or insanity if you will. It is time to decalcify my pineal gland and become open to the world again.
My plans for recovery, and then living with a not so sane-all-the-time mind are as follows ::
#1. detox. I don’t know if you know this but lexapro is crazy shit. I wasn’t even taking very much and this sucks. Dizziness and lack of restful sleep have been the worst of it. Bright side is that I have the support of Mister Witt and just about anyone I tell. And also it should be gone any day now …
#2. Continue to attend daily meet ups with my new cult which I find key for mentally unstable people. Cults and mental illness just require each other. Crossfit has been an absolute necessity for balancing my mind. I think most people who require daily exercise usually do so not for the physicality of it but the mental release it gives. That’s a total hunch though, it could totally just be me y’all. The people at my beloved gym are inspiring, helpful, encouraging, kind, and mostly just badass. I love them. I am shy so I love them quietly in a corner … but I am getting better and making new friends.
#3. This guy ::
Being delivered TODAY! Thank. The. Lord.
#4. To continue to count my blessings. This is just important. There are times when shit just sucks and this won’t help. But there are more times when this really does raise morale, when you just have to say I’ve got it good … even though my kids are being annoying, my husband is late, I am cranky and I just burned dinner. temporary setbacks to an otherwise blessed life.
So, Friends … I thank you kindly for stopping by today, listening to my story. It is ongoing and I hope to share again. I hate keeping a journal, I don’t see the point of expression if there is no one there to share it with. Writing and sharing are both cathartic and necessary. You all make my day when you are here.
Cheers to a bright new year.